Nostalgia is a funny thing. It appears suddenly, seizes you and holds you down, rendering you immobilized for any amount of time that it sees fit.

I would be lying if I said that I never felt that twinge of nostalgia every now and then. I remember this one particular instance, after I moved to Mumbai from Dubai, I was sitting at home early one evening and the rays of the setting sun splashed its yellow and orange hues on the cupboard that was facing the window. As I looked upon these colors, I was immediately taken back to my days in Dubai as a kid, where I used to see the same colors on the cupboard in our bedroom.

Then it happened, the yearning for the days gone by, my childhood days where I grew up with the comforts of home and not a care in the world. As these thoughts went through my mind, I start experiencing a tightness in the chest, and I would find myself sighing and staring into nothingness for a considerable amount of time.

Recent Reflections

As I was thinking back on this episode, I wondered why I longed for those days so much. Why this sense of longing and loss?

Don’t we all experience this kind of yearning? It could be for our childhood days, college days or any other point in our lives that we yearn for. Why do we do it? I daresay it’s because we truly believe that the old days were better than what we’re experiencing now, that those were indeed the good ol’ days. What we’re experiencing now is far too painful or dull, and we wish we could be taken back to days that weren’t the case.

Without downplaying what you might be going through currently, I want to point you to a direction that has made me yearn for “the good ol’ days” lesser than I used to.

The Goodness of God

God is good and has been good to me. Does God have to be good to me? Not really. Yet this God, whom the Bible describes as holy and just, has been good to a wretched and rebellious sinner like me, and all of this is because of someone who took away my wretchedness and rebellion to make me clean and a friend of God. The cost of making me right before God was borne by Jesus Christ, when he gave himself up for me on the cross.

This is just the beginning though. Now that I have been made right with God, through faith in what Jesus Christ has done, the face of the Lord is now towards me, and the goodness, blessing and mercy reserved for his children are now available to me. Whatever God means for me, he means it for my good.

Here’s the kicker, it doesn’t just end with me being made right with God, but I’m being renewed each day, and my capacity to understand and fathom the depths of God’s character, his love, his wisdom is on an upward trajectory. The depth in which I know God now is more than when I was 21, it’s more than when I was 16, I didn’t even know and believe in God when I was 12! There is no greater prize, I see, than being able to say with increasing confidence and desperation that “I have no good apart from you” (Psalm 16:2).

Mourners with Hope

Nostalgia is not always a bad thing but it can leave us dangerously dwelling on the past while forgetting all that’s good today and the hope we have for the future. We are not a people who wistfully sing “those were the days of our lives” as the song by Queen goes but we have hope of a final redemption, as the Lord promised to come back and take us with him, to be with him always. (1 Thessalonians 4:17).

Rejoice in hope (Romans 12:12) dear friend, and fight the threat that nostalgia so often brings to take you down.

Note: This article first appeared in Quiricus.

You know that God moves in a mysterious way when someone like me is asked to write about how a man should pursue a woman, for marriage, in a God honouring way. And I’m sure of this, because I’m going to give it a try.

So, here’s my “7 Step Plan on How to Pursue a Woman“.

Ok. Not really. However there are a few things I would keep in mind if I was going to pursue a woman – even though I’m not sure if all this would apply across different cultural backgrounds – but these are important or importanté as they say it in German (or Spanish, I don’t know, I saw it on YouTube).

And so, here goes:

You need to be following Jesus wholeheartedly

It starts here, man. It starts with believing in the good news of God, that Jesus Christ lived, died and rose from the dead to save sinners from the wrath of God, to bring sinners to God, to the glory of God. Following Jesus means living in obedience to Him, fighting and killing sin daily, putting on, pursuing and displaying godly character. Being involved in the life of your church. Being a man who is diligent and devoted to working hard at his job. Being a man who does not shy away from standing up for his faith.

These are essential if you really want to pursue a woman for marriage.

Tell people about it

Please do everyone a favour and tell people about it. No, you don’t have to tell the couple visiting your church gathering for the first time. Tell the godly and mature people in your church. Tell those with whom you consistently fellowship with, the ones who love you and care for you.

There is much value in doing so, for they can provide direction and counsel, which you would need in abundance.

Do it with honour

Here’s the part where you aim to walk in holiness. If you mean to pursue her, speak forth words declaring your intentions, in other words, ask her out.
No pokes, no likes or hearts on social media. You also need to make it clear why you’re asking her out for lunch/dinner/chai-pani, meaning you make it clear that you’re doing this with the intention of getting married, God willing, and not simply for the relational intimacy.

This implies that you end up having potentially difficult and awkward conversations about each other, about the future etc. Does this mean that your dates have to be a stressful affair? By no means! Enjoy the company, make her laugh, recount times when you made yourself look like a World Champion Buffoon**, as you get a foretaste of what hanging out would look like “till death do us part”.

Honour everyone

Right. So there’s a lot of honouring to do. As an outflow of your love and honour for God, honour her. Treat her with respect in your words and actions. Conduct yourself in all purity towards her, in both behaviour and thought. Keep the physical touch to the bare minimum (like touching her feet when you greet her).

Honour your parents too. Get them involved from the beginning or from the time you see fit, depending on your equation with them.

It’s tough, I know

Putting yourself out there, being mostly uncomfortably and facing possible rejection are all realities in this (sort of) fool’s errand. But I believe this is the way to go because I believe that God designed men to lead, provide and protect in every sort of relationship he has including the romantic relationship.

Unless of course, you’re an arranged marriage kind of guy (nothing wrong with that, just make sure she’s a believer) or someone who talks and talks to a girl and at the hour of reckoning, you confess your feelings to her.

May God give you all the grace needed, and more, as you pursue her.

“Author’s Note: This article also appears on Quiricus“

Dear sister,

I write this to you out of concern because it will break my heart to see you settle for less.

Let me reaffirm that the desire for marriage is a good thing. It is a good thing because God himself instituted it. God said “it is not good that man should be alone” and he made the woman. He then mandated both the man and the woman to exercise dominion over the earth.

However, this thought has silently crept into your heart: that marriage is the one thing that will make you happy. You believe that connecting with someone, companionship with someone, having someone – who you think – genuinely cares for you and is kind to you, is the point where your life has reached its zenith.

But I see that by your great desire for marriage, you choose to settle.

Sister, please hear me out. Even though I am a man of no experience, there are things in the Word of God that I have read, along with various other sources that have led me to this conclusion: that this life is not about us. It’s about God. Everything is about God, it always has been.

Look at the Scriptures with me.

Psalm 19:1 – “The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.”

Ezekiel 36:23 – “And I will vindicate the holiness of my great name, which has been profaned among the nations, and which you have profaned among them. And the nations will know that I am the LORD, declares the Lord GOD, when through you I vindicate my holiness before their eyes.”

Ephesians 3:10 – “…so that through the church the manifold wisdom of God might now be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly places.”

1 Peter 2:9 – “But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you from darkness into his marvellous light.”

God created the sky and the heavens to show his glory. God wanted to show his holiness to the nations through the nation of Israel. God wants to show his manifold wisdom through the church.

Most importantly, God saved you so that you would be his so that you could proclaim his excellencies.

All these verses are pushing one idea; that all things exist for God. Marriage is no exception.

You know what the apostle Paul writes in Ephesians 5 when he speaks about marriage. He says that marriage is a profound mystery because marriage actually reflects the relationship between Christ and his bride, that is, the church.

Now, do you see, dear sister, why I say you’re settling for less? Because your life is meant to be about making much of God, or in the words of apostle Peter “to proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light” and your marriage is to be reflecting the “profound mystery” of the relationship between Christ and the church.

That is why it is of utmost importance that the man with whom you wish to be with, and eventually marry, understands the gravity of all this. If he does not see the high calling we believers have, and if he does not believe in the real purpose of marriage, you will most likely lose your way and worse, sin against God.

We haven’t touched on the fact that the Bible clearly states that marriage with an unbeliever is sin, in fact, I could have just started the letter with that, but God doesn’t just tell us to do or not do something just because it is right or wrong. He does it because he knows that to do right, that is, to follow him is life, and the opposite is death.

Sister, I know these are heart-wrenching words, but I ask you, please heed to them. Listen to those around you as well. These are brothers and sisters who deeply care and are very fond of you.

I hope you do see and I pray that God would make “your hearts blameless in holiness before our God and Father at the coming of our Lord Jesus” – 1 Thess 3:13.

Yours lovingly
Brother

Author’s Note: This article also appears on Quiricus.

“Ladies first”.
“Let the women and children go first”.
“That’s not how you treat a woman”.
“That’s not how you speak to a woman”.

These phrases have been used by scores of people over the years, in fact, you’ve probably used these phrases yourself or you heard them being said by someone somewhere.

If you stop and ponder upon these phrases, you get a sense that women are supposed to be treated in a particular way. You get a sense that women are to be given a special care, that they’re supposed to be given the priority in various situations. In spite of the increased calls for “gender equality”, there is the unspoken expectation that men ought to be tender with women.

This is no coincidence. This is how God intended it to be. Within God’s design, he meant for men to show a caring protection and strong tenderness towards women. Furthermore, when God designed man, he endued their souls with a caring disposition towards women. As John Piper states in one of his sermons, these are “deep dispositions or inclinations, written on the heart of men”.

Let’s take a look at a few verses from the Bible that shed some light on what we’re trying to get at:

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”  – Ephesians 5:25

“Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.” – Colossians 3:19

“Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” – 1 Peter 3:19

A simple reading of these verses shows us that husbands should not be harsh with their wives, should be understanding, should show honor; moreover, husbands should be like Christ who gave up his life to save and sanctify his bride, that is, the church. The care Christ shows for his bride goes to the point where he doesn’t want any “spot or wrinkle or any such thing” on her (Eph 5:27).

One gets an overwhelming sense that Christ deeply cares for his bride; and husbands taking their cue from Christ, are called to follow the same pattern modeled by Christ and care for their wives.

The Bible makes it very clear that husbands should show a special care to their wives.

Now, do men start showing this kind of care only after they’re married? Or do they start when they’re engaged or when they’re dating?

If indeed God designed men in such a way, when do men start behaving in accordance with their design?

To answer these questions in the words of John Piper “Men, as men, everywhere, all the time, bear a burden, under God, to care for the well-being of women”.

That’s right, the answer is always. Whether you’re single, engaged, or married, you still have a burden to give this special care to women according to the differing relationships you have, meaning the care an unmarried man shows to an unmarried or married woman would not be as deep and personal as the care shown between a husband and wife.

How does this special care play out practically in our lives? We could probably start by following the phrases that were mentioned in the beginning of this article. In other words, we look for opportunities where we can put the woman first, ready to serve at all times. It could mean offering to lift the heavy bags of whatever she’s carrying, or catching a rickshaw for her before you get yours, or seeing that she finds a place to sit before you find yours.

I personally believe, however, that the care we men can show can go beyond just the physical. I believe we can look to protect women emotionally too. To put it simply, protecting women emotionally would mean safeguarding their hearts and minds, which mostly entails how you speak to them and your behavior towards them.

It could mean using a gentler tone while speaking to them and being polite at all times. Or minimizing the banter with them and holding back those sarcastic comments. It could mean monitoring your online behavior which could result in stopping the unnecessary texting or the excessive interaction on social media. I would go as far to say that you don’t hug them, in greeting or when saying goodbye, unless they hug you first, out of respect.

All this is done to communicate to the women that we esteem them in the highest regard and that we don’t want to use our words to make them doubt their value in Christ, nor do we want to mess with their feelings.

Let me conclude by expressing a hope: I hope we men would see living out God’s design as a divine mandate. I hope we would see the importance of protecting and caring for our women in ways that reflect God’s design. To Him belong dominion and glory forever and ever.

Amen.

Author’s Note: This article also appears on Quiricus.

We all know that it is more blessed to give than to receive however do you know that it is also blessed to receive?

In the early days at The Gathering Church, we used to meet at a home following which we all had lunch together. During these lunch times, it gave me great joy when it came to serving the people, be it serving food, offering second helpings (in some cases third), doing the dishes, cleaning up etc.

Even in my days at a youth group, I had such opportunities to serve. The believers at the youth group and at The Gathering, seeing this, affirmed that this is a gift given to me by God and they were greatly encouraged to see the grace of God working in my life. This in turn encouraged me to continue in the same grace.

However there was something that crept in unnoticed. This was a subtle thought pattern which led to me to behave in a way that did not reflect the gospel.

“What was it?” you’re probably asking. It was this: I found that I had a problem asking or accepting help from most people, in almost all forms. In any kind of settings where the need to serve arose, I wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of the service.

This was a manifestation of two sins, I believe. One is pride and the other is a simple lack of finding my full worth in Jesus.
Since being served rather than serving meant adopting a position of humbleness, I found it quite hard to swallow albeit at a subconscious level. It also created a feeling of owing someone, again at a subconscious level. The other reason – my sense of unworthiness – led me to believe that I am not worth being served.

Hence I would do most things myself, whether it be serving food for myself, getting my own glass of water, and the like. I found it hard to ask or accept help in the small things which meant there was seldom a chance of me asking or accepting help when it came to the bigger things.

Surprisingly, what brought this sin to light was a book on marriage, Tim Keller’s “The Meaning of Marriage” to be precise. Consider this excerpt from his book:

“Kathy and I remember a pivotal incident in our marriage that occurred during a visit to New England, where we had attended seminary. The two of us along with our three sons were staying with friends, and I had hoped very much at some point to be able to get away to the nearby seminary bookstore, just to see what was new, maybe pick up a few interesting books.

But I knew that it would mean precious time taken out of the other things we were doing together as a family, and it would leave Kathy with the full burden of caring for the kids.
And so I was afraid to ask for it. Instead, I hoped Kathy would guess about my desire and simply offer the time to me. But she didn’t do it, and soon I found myself deeply resentful of her “failure” to read my mind. Surely she should know how much I love visiting the bookstore! I work very hard – why doesn’t she propose that I take the afternoon away simply because I deserve the break? I began to imagine that she knew I wanted to go to the bookstore but was dead set against it.

After a long, grumpy day helping Kathy with the kids and feeling sorry for myself, I finally told her how sorry I was that I had never made it to the bookstore. She was rightfully unhappy with me, and said, “Yes, that would have been inconvenient for me, but I would have loved to have given you that freedom. I never get a chance to give you gifts, and you’re always helping me with something. You denied me the chance to serve you!”

I immediately realized however, that I didn’t want to be served. I didn’t want to in a position where I had to ask for something and receive it as a gift. Kathy was deeply disappointed and insulted that I had robbed her of the opportunity to do so. We drove home in angry silence as I tried to figure out what had happened.

Finally I began to see. I wanted to serve, yes, because that made me feel in control. Then I would always have the high moral ground. But that kind of “service” isn’t service at all, only manipulation. But by not giving Kathy an opportunity to serve me, I had failed to serve her. And the reason underneath it all was my pride.”

As Keller himself states, his sin, which was pride, stopped him from asking or accepting help from his wife.

If you have seen such a pattern in your thinking and behavior, like I have, then let us look to the gospel to counter this, since central to the gospel, is Jesus Christ, who did all that was needed to be done in order to save us for all eternity

Think about this: When you first heard that “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners” (1 Tim 1:15), what else did you do other than to humbly receive this saving work through repentance and belief? And when you heard about the “kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God” (1 John 3:1) didn’t this knowledge break down your false sense of unworthiness?

The gospel empowers you to serve one another humbly and it also humbles you to be served by one another.

Endeavor to gain a deeper understanding of the gospel through studying the Bible, through prayer, being part of and serving in the church, reading good books etc. so that the truth takes root and transforms your heart to be a person who gives and receives well, thus glorifying God through Jesus Christ.

Author’s Note: This article also appears on Quiricus.